Caution: Top Secret Documents
by Kat Bee Dee
Summary: The following is unreleased documentation of interviews that took place at an undisclosed time and place between Kat Bee Dee and the members of the Warehouse 13 staff.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer:**__ I do not own Warehouse 13 or any of its original characters or plots. If I did, the original pixie stix would be cocaine. Ask me how that has anything to do with anything. I dare you._

_**Author's Note:**__ This is what would happen If I were allowed to speak with the characters of Warehouse 13. I hope you enjoy! Because this really is completely for fun and daisies and a comedic break for the more serious Warehouse writing I'm doing! Review if you appreciate!_

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The following is unreleased documentation of interviews that took place at an undisclosed time and place between Kat Bee Dee and the members of the Warehouse 13 staff.

Document 1 – Pete Lattimer

Kat Bee Dee: So, Pete. How does it feel now that all of your ships have officially sunk?

Pete Lattimer: Wha-?

KBD: Well, it's kind of common knowledge now. Since season two started up and H.G. came around, fans really don't care much for you romantically anymore! Before, you had Myka pretty much secured! I mean, you had Kelly for awhile since then, but…let's be honest. No one _liked_ her.

Lattimer: Me and _Myka_? You're crazy. Bats and crazy. She'd sooner die than think of me that way. That's just the truth! I mean, come on! She's HOT, and I'd totally tap that, but she'd give me the ol' one-two, if she knew that!

KBD: Ahh, I see. So, you're saying, you _are_ interested in her romantically?

Lattimer: Last time I checked, laying someone and wanting to _marry_ them were two totally different things! Besides, I respect Myka.

KBD: And by 'respect' you mean you want to kiss her?

Lattimer: Dude, do you have an _issue_? Or am I not speaking plain english? Me and Myka are totally platonic.

KBD: And by 'platonic' you mean you want to spend the rest of your life with her and make babies with her, right? Wait…do you even know what 'platonic' means?

Lattimer: Do _YOU_ even know what 'platonic' means?

KBD: Of course! It means a relationship that is strictly frien—HEY! You tricked me into saying that!

Lattimer: Psh…not really. Kid, you need to grow up. You obviously had a sad childhood and now fantasize about other people's love lives in order to compensate.

KBD: Do you even know what 'compensate' means?

Lattimer: Oh my gosh…

KBD: 'Cause I am seriously surprised by your vocabulary!

Lattimer: Okay, I'm done with this. Talk to Claudia. You two would get along.

KBD: No, no! Wait! I have other questions on different topics that don't involve your love life!

Lattimer: ….alright. I guess. Shoot

KBD: Did you _really_ think that Kelly was "the One", or were you just trying to make Myka jealous?

Lattimer: For the love of Christ! _Somebody get this kid out of here…_

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_**A/N:**__ Like I said, this is all for the joy of making fun of myself XD Review if you appreciate! Thanks for reading!_


	2. Chapter 2

**_Disclaimer:_**_ I do not own Warehouse 13 and its original characters or plots. If I did, the orginal Lucky Charms cereal really would give you the magical powers with each of the different marshmallows =D_

**_Author's Note: _**_Alrighty then, you ready for this? I'M ready for this! I was BORN ready for this! I'm BREATHING ready for this! I've got the POWER of ready of this! I've got the DIGNITY to stall you by writing this author's note! XD Have a nice read! I hope you enjoy and review =)_

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Document 2 – Claudia Donovan

Kat Bee Dee: I. Love. Your. Hair.

Claudia Donovan: Uhmm…thanks? Yours ain't so bad either.

KBD: You really think so? Gosh! I'm honored!

Donovan: You're…welcome?

KBD: Anyway. So, I have a few questions for you if you don't mind sparing some time to answer.

Donovan: Wouldn't be here if I didn't! That's a lie…I'm _supposed_ to—

KBD: What are your thoughts on Pete and Myka?

Donovan: Oh! Well, gee, they're just like the _coolest_ people a kid could be stuck in the middle of absolute nowhere with! I mean, Pete is super hilarious and annoying and a grrreat evil genius prankster! And Myka's that bitch everybody wants to nag on! So yeah, we're just one big happy family. Y'know, couldn't ask for better makeshift siblings. Especially, y'know, when you have absolutely _no_ say in the matter.

KBD: That's really sweet. But hey, have you ever thought about them being like, I don't know…_together_?

Donovan: _Hells_ yeah! I mean, all last year I was gaga over the idea! I woulda just squealed if I saw them together! But, I don't know, stuff has sorta changed. I mean, I still think they'd make a super cute couple and I would TOTALLY god-parent their adorable children, but like I said…we're our own little…_weird_ family. It'd be like…incest. Ew.

KBD: Not "ew"! _Awesome!_

Donovan: Dude, incest is NOT awesome.

KBD: It's not incest! They ain't first cousins!

Donovan: Did you just start using a southern drawl?

KBD: …maybe.

Donovan: Okay… So did you put that purple stripe in your hair to like…_copy_ me?

KBD: Uh…uhmm…I'm not the one being questioned here!

Donovan: You know that makes you a poser, right?

KBD: Anyway! Moving along—

Donovan: _And_ a stalker…

KBD: SO… What do you think of H.G.?

Donovan: She was cool, I guess. I mean, she totally ruined everything for all of us by scaring Myka off, and that pissed me off for a bit, but I really don't think she meant it. She was nice. Just confused.

KBD: No! You should totally still be SUPER mad at her! Remember! She ruined EVERYTHING! Where's Myka now, huh? You guys were a family and H.G. totally DESTROYED that!

Donovan: Okay, _why_ are you so passionate about our personal lives? Isn't that a little unhealthy? Besides, Myka's at her parents. We talk at least once a week. She's coming back next month. She just needed some down time.

KBD: …really? O.M.G. REALLY? That's sooo awesome! I knew she'd come back! Are you _serious_?

Donovan: Actually…no. I'm not. I have no idea what's going on with Myka. Nobody does. I just said that to make you feel better.

KBD: ….

Donovan: Um…are you okay?

KBD: J—just give me a sec…

Donovan: Are you _crying_?

KBD: N—no! There's just…something in my eye.

Donovan: Dude…the fact that you're crying is really weirding me out right now.

KBD: I'm not crying! I'm fine!

Donovan: Okay…well…do you have anymore questions?

KBD: …maybe later.

Donovan: Ohhh-kay then.

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**_A/N_****:**_ *Sigh* Oh the joy of making fun of yourself! =D Review if you will! I would love you forever!_


	3. Chapter 3

**_Disclaimer:_**_ I do not own Warehouse 13 or any of its original characters or plots. If I did, the original soy sauce really would be a cleaning detergent =D (tell me if you know what movie this references!)_

**_Author's Note:_**_ I totally meant to put this up monday, but I forgot! I forgot yesterday too XD I've had it written for like a week! Anyway, here it is! More poking fun at mehself =P Have fun!_

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Document 3 – Arthur Nielson

Kat Bee Dee: Sooo! Artie! What's up, man? I hear you're on a diet! How's that workin' out for you?

Arthur Nielson: Is this a joke? A test? Did Leena send you in here?

KBD: Oh, no! I've just got some questions for you, so I hope you don't mind…

Nielson: Actually, I do mind. I am _way_ to busy to deal with this nonsense. _Leena!_

KBD: Wait! Hold up, gramps! It won't take long, just give me a couple seconds of your time and then you get back to barking at everyone, I swear.

Nielson: Well. …alright. But make it quick.

KBD: Awesome sauce! Okay, so, who's your favorite? I mean, c'mon, we all know you have one. Is it Pete? Because you favor men and their lack of baggage? Or Leena? Because she looks after you but doesn't annoy you like everyone else? How 'bout Myka? I'll bet it's Myka. 'Cause she is the sensible one who can actually speak to you on your own level. Y'know, scratch that! I think it's Claud. I mean, come _on_! Claudia's your little minion who _loves_ you and makes you the father you never got to be. So, what's the verdict?

Nielson: Uh…

KBD: Want a cookie?

Nielson: Ooh! Are those shortbread?

KBD: Mhm! So, you were saying?

Nielson: Well, between you an me—

KBD: Yay! Sharing!

Nielson: —I'd have to say that I do favor Claudia. But I _swear_! If this gets around to her, it'll be _your_ death! By God, I would never hear the _end_ of it!

KBD: No! Dude! My lips are sealed! Please, proceed.

Nielson: Well, I don't know, Claudia wormed her way in and I can't seem to get rid of her…the other's will eventually go, but not Claudia.

KBD: That's right! Claudia is supposed to be the next caretaker-person-mahjig!

Nielson: Huh?

KBD: Y'know! The next Mrs. F!

Nielson: Oh, right. Of course.

KBD: So that whole deal about her "controlling her own destiny"; was that just a bunch of baloney to make her feel better?

Nielson: Eh…pretty much.

KBD: Figures. That's just like you.

Nielson: How do you even _know_ me?

KBD: Uhm….mother's ex-cousin twice removed?

Nielson: What in the world is an "ex-cousin"?

KBD: …me?

Nielson: Do you have anything else to talk about or can I get back to work?

KBD: Are you or have you ever been a child molester?

Nielson: Wha-? _No!_

KBD: Just checkin'. 'Cause, you see, there's this creepy pairing called "Clartia", and quite frankly, it disgusts me and I just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page.

Nielson: Clar-_WHAT?_

KBD: Don't worry about it. So, do _you_ know where Myka is?

Nielson: What is this with all the switching of the subjects? What we even _talking_ about!

KBD: Have another cookie.

Nielson: Thanks.

KBD: You were saying about Myka?

Nielson: Right. Well, I don't know. The only person who might know is Pete. I don't want to know. If she's gone, she's gone. If she's back…good riddance.

KBD: Don't you have that a little mixed up? Shouldn't it be "if she's _back_ she's back, if she's gone, good riddance"?

Nielson: Wha-? Sure. Whatever that means.

KBD: So, Artie, last question of the day.

Nielson: Hm?

KBD: Are you a religious man? Because I get the vibe that you might have been a little _warped_ in your childhood by a certain _kneeling_ before a priest if you take my meaning.

Nielson: (exits)

KBD: _Damn_. I've got to get less offensive questions.

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**_A/N:_**_ Reviewww! =DD_


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